Fuck I'm So Frustrated

I'm just so frustrated and I have to write it down somewhere. I can't communicate this shit to anyone as they just don't understand. The only reason I'm still going and haven't offed myself yet is my daughter. I have to keep it together for her. But I don't know if I can. First of all...relationships. FUCK!!! What the fuck is wrong with people? I'm quite sure I'm not hideous. I'm smart, sweet, funny, monogamous, etc etc. So why does no one except the crazy asshole I last married want me? Why am I always the rebound girl then it's "oh you have a kid" "oh, I'm just not ready for a relationship" "oh, you have a crazy ex" all things which I come out and say right in the beginning, it's not like it was a fucking secret. Then I meet this amazing guy, who loves me for who I am and who will do anything for me. And I just can't make myself love him. It actually makes me cry every time I think about it. He is SUCH a great guy! But the stupid things really get to me; he snores horribly, his breath really stinks and tastes bad, he has no bank account, no drivers license, no car. His schedule sucks balls. His living situation sucks balls. He doesn't understand things the way I do. He goes out of PT all the time. He forgets things easily and falls asleep all the time. He's not on lines at all and can't seem to make that go right. Am I really shallow? Or are those good reasons not to be in a relationship with someone? I don't want to try and then find myself hating him. I would much rather just be best friends, but it is really hard to have a best friend that's a guy. Whatever. Then there's Mike King. He seems perfect. But he just wants to be friends. WHY??? And Brian Miller, he seems pretty perfect too, but he just wants to be friends. WHY??? My list of possibilities is very short and I am unwilling to date another non-Scientologist, so I'm kinda screwed...

We Shall See...

I've been dating this AMAZING guy, Tristan Clark. We met about 14 years ago and recently reconnected. I asked him out and he said yes!!!

Oh joy! One of the happiest days of my life! 2 months, AMAZING! I mean this guy would talk to me all the time, tell me I was beautiful for no reason, bring me coffee, etc. Totally amazing. I never felt like I could possibly do enough for him. After my past relationships I must be a piece of shit, right?

Well anyways...After 2 beautiful months...I notice something is wrong. He's not as happy as he was, isn't communicating as much as he was...etc. So I ask him what the fuck is wrong?

Then a fucking bombshell hits. His ex is giving him a bunch of shit because of me spending time with the kids, essentially. She cheated on him for about 5 years but that's irrelevant apparently...Now I'm the douche bag... So he tells me we both need to handle our ex's.

I don't DISAGREE. BUT... He can't give me any sort of time frame for when he thinks his ex might be handled and when we might get back together... I have an exact program for handling my ex and an exact time frame but he can't give me anything!!! Is he still in love with her? Was he never really in love with me???? I don't know but it's driving me insane!!!

I think I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them, but maybe I'm delusional. Maybe there is no sane person out there for me. It's making me think maybe I should go back to my ex, he's crazy but at least I'd know what to expect...

I'm so lost...I wish I hadn't tried my hand at love again....it's such a fake think apparently...

It's Just One of Those Days....Rant

Sometimes you just really need someone to talk to but there's no one there. Sometimes you just need to rant and rave and scream with no judgement or annoying over-sympathy. Understanding would be nice, but it just doesn't happen.

So to begin with, 2 weeks ago I went to the dentist for your average, every day filling. When she put the novocaine in, apparently she hit a blood vessel and my cheek swelled up like a balloon. It was hard to talk, impossible to eat, and when the novocaine wore off it hurt like HELL. After about 3 days the swelling went down. After about 1 1/2 weeks the bruising went away. It is now 2 weeks later and it still hurts like a mother fucker (excuse my French). My ear feels like it's going to explode, my jaw feels like it's pushing in to my ear drum. What the hell??!!! I don't have time for this.

Next, I don't know what to do about my marriage, it's a totally hopeless situation. He has no goals and manages to find every problem imaginable with mine. "We don't have time" "We don't have money" "It won't work" blah, blah, blah, SHUT UP!!! I want to make it somewhere in life, I'm tired of working day in and day out at a job that doesn't make me enough money and where my boss couldn't care less about me. It's rediculous that if you're actually sick you can't go home or you'll get in trouble. That's just stupid. I want to do what I want to do.

My husband, in reality, is a jerk. Not intentionally, but he's pretty inconsiderate. On Saturday I had a very important art show. He stood there and watched while I loaded up my car (baby trailing the whole time) with over 30 pieces of art work, cleaned out the car, transferred the car seat to the other car, etc. That night I had to stay up until 2 to clean up and break down and he was supposed to get our daughter at about 7 am so I could sleep in. Did he do this? Hell no, he slept until 9 am. What the hell....

Anyway, gotta go home now.... talk later

Parenting...right or wrong?

Interesting news story going on currently about a 16 year old, Abby Sutherland, who wanted to be the youngest person to sail around the world alone (link to the story: http://www.grindtv.com/outdoor/blog/17970/sailor+abby+sunderland+awaits+rescue+as+questions+arise+about+journey/).

She ran into a bit of trouble and wasn't going to make her goal, but she still wanted to complete her trip, so she kept on. She ended up running into a storm and lost communication with her family. She, herself, set off her emergency beacons. A day later she was found, completely fine, and they are arranging to pick her up tonight.

There are many that are saying they would never let their 16 year old child do such a thing, the parents are idiots, the parents should go to prison for child abuse/neglect, the parents should have to pay for every penny of her rescue, etc. etc.

My thoughts on the matter? Her parents are AWESOME and she is an amazing woman! First of all, I believe a "child" is someone who acts like a child, regardless of their age. I see lots of 25 year old children! An ADULT is someone who acts like an adult, including being logical and responsible. If she acted like a child instead of an adult, her parents probably wouldn't have let her go.

Second, how many people do you know that either a) never achieve their dreams or b) don't have any dreams? Most people go through their lives just trying to get by, doing drugs, playing video games, working at McDonalds, etc. I ENVY Abby, to actually be able to go out there and try to achieve her dreams! My parents are just like hers, willing to do anything possible to help me achieve my dreams (of course that's taking into account that becoming a hit man or a prostitute isn't one of my dreams). I never grew up playing video games, never did drugs, and I will still be achieving my dreams and goals.

So to all those out there who are saying she's stupid and her parents should be shot, etc., stop working at McDonalds, get off the drugs, stop watching TV and playing video games all night, and go out and achieve your goals!

Why Politics?

Today I just feel like talking about politics. No particular reason why, it just seems like a very hot topic in general, always, and I thought I'd jump on the band wagon and throw in my 2 cents.

First of all, I disagree with being classified as a "Democrat" or a "Republican" or a "Liberal," etc, etc. Does it really matter? If I call myself a Democrat, does that mean I automatically agree with what Obama is doing (or, rather, NOT doing)? If I'm a Republican does that mean I agree with Bush? In reality, I don't know or care what political party I am. All I care about is how we can improve our government, if possible.

There have been very few individuals on the docket for presidency recently (in the last 15 or so years) that have made any sense. There may not have been many before that either, but I wouldn't know. They have either leaned too far in one way or the other. One wants to raise taxes, one completely supports psychitry and wants to drug all our children, one wants to support all our illegal immigrants, etc. etc.

Now we have this new health care bill out. At a glance it seems like a brilliant idea, but when you get down to the details it just doesn't make any sense. First of all, the government requires everyone to have health insurance. That's fine and dandy, but shouldn't it be ones own choice? What if you can't afford it but you have to pay it anyway?

Then there's the people who really can't afford it so the government will provide it for them. Wow! That's really nice of them! Where do you think the government gets the money for it? FROM US! The hard working American citizens who pay taxes and pay for those who don't work, are here illegally, can't physically work because they have ruined their bodies through drugs, etc. It's not enough that we're paying for their rent and food, we now have to also pay for their health care. Why would anyone want to work when they could just have everything paid for?

Why in the world would anyone agree to this? In defence of the whole welfare/health care plan crap, I will say that some people really do validly need this. Those would be people who were hard working citizens and had some sort of a major catastrophy in life, such as their entire family dying or getting in a major physical accident where they really can't physically work. There are very few cases that would actually need welfare and it gets so abused it's not even funny.

I'm sure there are people who would read this and think I am completely unintelligent or uneducated, and that may be so. But everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I think mine is fairly accurate in this case. Feedback is always welcome.

Something on the lighter side of life

My husband and I ran 16 miles today. We got up at 6am, after a horrible night of sleep, put on our running clothes and shoes, and drove to the harbor. We proceeded to run a grueling 16 miles with a crazy group of people. Afterwards (and still) my legs were (and are) extremely sore. But I feel AWESOME!

So why did we do it? Was is to lose weight? No (though that is a great side effect). Was is because we love running? Absolutely not! It was to save lives. We are running and training with Team in Training for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. We are simultaniously raising $3500 (or hopefully more) to help find a cure for cancer.

When we are done with this we will have run a ridiculous amount, completed our first marathon, made a great group of friends, and raised a decent amount of money to help find a cure for cancer. How awesome is that? I will definitely be doing this again!

I am so appalled I have to say something

Sometimes people just need to communicate, even if only to themselves. I saw something today that just made me want to scream, so I decided to start a new blog, not just to vent, but to really put into words my thoughts and feelings on various subjects, groups, actions, etc.

What did I see today? The news story about the father suing the "Westboro Baptist Church" for picketing at his son's funeral. Do I believe in the 1st Amendment? Of course! I am all for freedom of speech. But this is completely abusing the privilege. With a privilege comes responsibilities. Yes, people over 21 are allowed to drink alcohol. That does not mean they can then drink and drive. There are rules and courtesies.

This so-called "church" is made of completely psychotic people. I don't understand how such people can exist, who have such a warped view of God and people. I also am a firm believer of respecting others' beliefs, but not when they use them to harm others and not when they themselves don't respect others' beliefs. What they have is not a religion, it's simply a hate group.

This "church" needs to be stopped. I hope and pray that this father wins his case against them, and I hope he wins to such and extent that this group has no choice but to shut down. We don't need people poisoning our nation, we need people working to IMPROVE it, helping people get along and work together better. We need to be a unified group working to better ourselves and each other.

I hope most people will agree with me on what I have written here, but I am open to any and all comments. Thanks for reading :)